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What is the comprehensive guide to surviving toddler tantrums according to Hilary Erickson?

Updated May 8, 20263 min read

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guidetoddler tantrumsHilary Erickson

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From Hilary Erickson

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When I think about “surviving” toddler tantrums, I really see it as managing two things: your toddler’s brain and your own.

Here’s how I’d turn that into a step‑by‑step guide:

  1. Before the tantrum (prevention)
    1. Have predictable routines for sleep, meals, and transitions – tired and hungry toddlers melt down fastest.
    2. Give warnings: “5 more minutes, then we leave the park.”
    3. Offer limited choices: “Red cup or blue cup?” so they feel some control.
    4. Keep expectations simple and consistent: same rule, same calm wording, every time.
  2. In the middle of the tantrum (survival mode)
    1. Remind yourself: Nothing has gone wrong. This is how toddlers learn.
    2. Safety first: move them to a safe space if needed, remove hard/sharp toys.
    3. Stay as calm and boring as you can. Very few words: “You’re safe. I’m here.”
    4. Do not argue, reason, or lecture – their brain literally can’t use logic mid‑meltdown.
    5. If you’re about to lose it, it’s okay to step away briefly (as long as they’re safe) and take a few deep breaths.
  3. What not to do (as much as you can help it)
    1. Don’t take it personally. This isn’t about you being a bad parent; it’s about a small brain overwhelmed by big feelings.
    2. Try not to shame: avoid “You’re so bad” or “Why are you like this?” Focus on the behavior, not the child.
    3. Try not to give in to a demand because they screamed. If the answer was no, keep it no, but be kind about it.
  4. After the tantrum (the “M&M conference” version for toddlers)
    1. Once everyone is calm, have a tiny debrief: “You were really mad when it was time to leave the park.”
    2. Name the feeling and the trigger: “That feeling is called frustrated.”
    3. Teach a simple skill for next time:
      1. “Next time you can say, ‘I’m mad!’”
      2. Practice deep breaths, stomping feet in a safe way, or squeezing a lovey.
    4. Offer repair: hug, snuggle, read a book together. Connection is what rewires their brain.
  5. Managing your own anger (because you’re human)
    1. Expect to feel mad sometimes. That does not mean you’re a bad parent.
    2. It’s okay to say, in a calm voice, “I am feeling very angry, so I’m going to take a minute.”
    3. Use the “oxygen mask” idea: if you’re flooded, your first job is to calm your own body (bathroom break, splash water on your face, a few slow breaths).
    4. If you do yell, circle back later: “I’m sorry I yelled. Grown‑ups are still learning, too.”
  6. Big-picture mindset that keeps you sane
    1. Toddlers’ “job” is to make mistakes and test limits; your job is to teach, not to have a perfectly behaved child.
    2. Treat repeated problems as “data,” not doom: “Okay, this keeps happening at bedtime – what can we tweak?”
    3. Remember: you mostly see everyone else’s highlight reel. The mom losing it at the park? She’s proof you’re not alone.

If you’re up for it, tell me: what situation triggers the worst tantrums for your toddler right now (leaving somewhere, getting dressed, meals, something else)?

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